What’s not to Louvre?

Warning: This post uses words like nipple and giant boob. Mature readers only past this point. Who am I kidding? I don’t consider myself mature, so read on all ye social media friends and followers.

A disclaimer before you read this post. I am not an art connoisseur. I mean, I just had to look up how to spell connoisseur. Even my phone’s autocorrect didn’t know how to spell it. That’s how often I use that word. But I digress. The point is, I like the idea of art. I like the idea of being someone who loves art. But I honestly don’t know sh*t about art.


My art education began in the 6th grade when we took a field trip to the Joslyn Art Museum in Omaha, Nebraska and were accidentally exposed to a painting of a giant nipple in some sex and art exhibit they had at that time. Not exactly the Greek columns my teacher was expecting. All I remember other than the giant boob was the tour guide circling our group and yelling, “Look at me! Don’t look away! Keep your eyes on me!” Yeah, right. Telling a group of sixth graders not to stare at boobs and genitalia on full display, and not in grayscale mind you, is like asking someone to let you cut in line at the DMV. Never. Gonna. Happen.

So yeah, that was my first exposure to art.

To prepare for this trip, I looked up phrases online that people who know sh*t about art might say. I came up with the following:

  • Wow! I really like the way that artist used the light to capture the mood.
  • The hues of red here indicate the anger she must have felt.
  • The impressionist movement had such an impact on society.
  • The contrast of light and dark is breathtaking.
  • This art piece really speaks to me.

Not included were some gems I decided to add:

  • Wow! Check out the butt cheeks on that Grecian statue.
  • What is WITH that fig leaf placement? I mean, c’mon!
  • Who rides a horse naked?
  • These babies have the face of a 56 year old man preparing taxes.
  • Can I also paint three strokes of ombre in brown and be an artist?


This one spoke to me. It said, “You too could be an artist.” 

Needless to say, I knew that classy people go to art museums and in my ever-present desire to appear classy, I went with my friends to visit the newly opened Louvre in Abu Dhabi. The other one is in Paris, France. I’ll probably hit that one up too in April so I can be as equally disappointed by the size of the Mona Lisa as all my friends who have gone before me.

Anywho, the building itself is pretty cool. The roof is a metal dome with cutouts to let the light in. Outside the exhibits is a gorgeous courtyard with the water from the gulf coming in.





The exhibits range from old stuff to newer stuff, lots of Greek stuff, some ancient Egyptian stuff, and lots of statues with fig leaves covering up the good parts. My friend Abby actually knew why this happened. Something about a modesty movement by the church centuries ago. Abby is actually a know-er of art things and classy things, for which I appreciate her.

Some of the Egyptian stuff


There were actually some paintings and artists that I recognized. There was a Vincent Van Gogh painting on display there. I legitimately enjoy his work and that song he wrote about his life, Vincent. Or was that Don McClean? Either way, it’s sweet. Plus, there was a Piet Mondrian painting that I heard about back in college that definitely appealed to my OCD side that gets excited by order and grouping.

My man Vincent.


Other than that, there were pretty things I loved because they sparkled.


And new things that I loved because they actually made a statement to me, like this one. It is called Family Tree by Zang Huan and in each picture there is more writing on his face until it completely covers his face.


Then, I took a bunch of pictures of paintings/statues that I am pretty sure I saw in a textbook once, so I am going to put them here to impress you.





Overall, the Louvre was pretty great. The building itself is gorgeous and the experience was smooth. An actual knower-about-er of Art would probably love it. As such, I highly recommend it. If you don’t know a lot, you could cover it in about two hours as I did. If you know more and want to read more about each piece, you could probably spend the entire day there. Either way, I would say it was worth the trip if you are going to be in the United Arab Emirates.


….despite the literal c*ck blocking fig leaves.


Special Shout out included to the 6th grade class of Two Springs Elementary! 

*Apologies go out to my father and mother for the obscenities used in this post.

One thought on “What’s not to Louvre?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *